I’ve been trying to write a post for a few months now. Every year I say something to the lines of, “Well this year was super hard…” or “I had to grow up a lot this year…” or “God has stretched me more than I thought possible…” To be completely honest those are truths about life and truths about everyday. I left school in tears today as I just can’t seem to figure out how to be a good teacher, counselor, mom, doctor, nurse, friend, and the list goes on! I just don’t know what to do! I just don’t know how to do my job the right way. Sure I spent four years in college studying and got a degree but when the rubber meets the road and life spins into chaos what do you do?
This year my student lost her father, right now another student is worried about his missing brother, and the list goes on with dads traveling or separating. What in the world? God called me to be a light in the darkness and right now this little light of mine is surely struggling to shine.
I feel like every blog post needs to be filled with an epic coming to Jesus moment or about how much I love God and what He’s doing here…. But that’s not reality. Missions is hard. There is loss, there is brokenness, six year olds lose their dads, six year olds have trauma happen to them… So I can’t sit here tonight and tell you that it’s been a beautiful year. No, no, it’s been a broken year watching child after child suffer in my classroom. It’s been an embittering year as I’ve had to explain to 15 children about loss and expect them to process. On the one hand I’ve struggled with being mad at God about this. I’ve questioned the goodness of God. How can God be good and take away a father or brother or allow a child to not be cared for properly? How is that good? Yet on the other hand I’ve seen God’s goodness to those kiddos. God brought me here for them. God brought me here because they needed to see His love in moments like this.
God made Esther, a Jew, the queen. God chose her and when the rubber met the road and life spun into chaos, her cousin said to her:
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” – Esther 4:14
The day I heard about my student’s father’s death, those words rang in my heart. “For such a time as this.” This year has been one of the hardest in my life and sometimes I’ve hated it and many times I’ve thought, “I just am too exhausted for this.” But I just have to trust in God’s plan. I just have to claim the truth that God brought me here to Ecuador; that God gave me this class full of broken children. I just have to trust Him. I have to trust that He is good when the brokenness of sin makes me doubt that.
I have five more weeks, give or take, with my students. On the one hand I’m just ready to crawl into my mom’s arms but on the other hand I’m not ready to let go of my broken children. I’m not ready to release them into a broken world where I’m just their old kindergarten teacher. I’m not ready to let them go… but I guess it’s just about trusting that God brought me here for these moments, the here and now. It’s about trusting that God’s timing is right and perfect. Loving people hurts a lot. I love these kiddos with my entire heart but I guess I need to trust that God loves them more! I guess I just need to trust that God is faithful in a terribly broken world.